Dreams you never thought you’d lose, were tossed along the way
horrid day October 22, 2009
Enveloped in desolateness
Nothing helps pick me up
Not feel-good songs, cigarettes, pretty thoughts
Nothing.
What is it that cramps my insides?
Makes me want to hide
Run away, far away
That island sounds nice right about now
If only wishes could come true
At a snap of my fingers, or a pitter-patter of my heartbeat
Hope is never a pretty thing
Disappointment comes hand-in-hand
It always does
Under the sheets, crawl, sleep.
Anything to not feel this misery
Reality always kicks in, and it’s never good
I have to keep going, doing the things I do
Numbly, zombie-like, without feeling
Take me away, where I will never cry
And there’s always butterflies.
block October 2, 2009
there is a need to write, to say something. but nothing really comes to mind. but needless to say, i feel the need to write something anyways. almost like the themissingsandwich did.
its poya right now. drinking is almost impossible unless a good friend has a bottle of spirits tucked away somewhere. too lazy to potter around and find one. have work to do, but i’ve been procrastinating for a while. watched tv. friends. vma awards. interesting, kinky shit, like pink, singing on a trapeze, exposes a boobie, but censor square is tucked in so swiftly, i missed the view. sigh. so much for a bit of excitement on a friday night.
this rain. love it and hate it. rain it must when i’m indoors and have no plans of stepping out. a good book, no work lying on my shoulders, and there is a need to aimlessly drift around. sounds almost luxurious. i’ll even dare to say i wish the sun would shine so i could do my laundry.
miss my red tail catfish. they died a fortnight ago. faulty switch stopped the filter. it was a horrible saturday morning. haven’t visited their grave since. its almost like losing a child. don’t know what that feels like, hope i never do.
perhaps the twin nieces aged 3 will come to visit tomorrow. that should be fun. it ensues lots of splashing in the baby pool. colouring. a visit to mcdonald’s perhaps. lots of aimless chatting with 3 year olds can be therapeutic, and also make one wonder if having babies is still a good idea.
play in december. inhibitions still at high levels. some kind of awful person in my brain keeps telling me i’ll probably never be great. i’ll settle for good. determined to keep trying. perhaps someday.
work – love it. boss – hate that bitch. almost tempted to not renew my contract, but the fear that i’ll be a corporate loser is what is stopping me. maybe i’ll wait for the babies and then quit. i don’t really know right now. the brother says i should never ask him for opinions. he sucks at it.
good morning July 17, 2009
luscious fruits at midnight
sleep
sound of rain
against the window panes
wakened by soft kisses
roused by a long, slow cigarette
and adrian henri
a luxurious, long, hot shower.
mornings must always begin this way.
never alone May 25, 2009
i hate to eat by myself or sit by myself, anywhere. this is absolute nonsense, because there is nothing wrong with it. but it makes me all conscious and weird-feeling. likewise, i have a constant need to be surrounded by the people i love. awfully dependent i am on them. bunch of people that i must talk to every single day…if not, the day has the potential to be very crappy. probably rises from a deep-seated insecurity of being left alone.
insecurities are alright i suppose. everyone has them. mine probably stems from a loss i hope you never have to experience. my bunch is absolutely loveable.
m-town: this bunch is just awesome. the things we’ve been upto will keep you in stitches for weeks and you might also be absolutely shocked. if we could, we’d probably all share a big, big mansion. it’d work better that way.
extended family: they mean the world to me. they are the coolest beans in the whole wide world. you have to party with us to know exactly how to partay! 
the old ones: this trio i’ve known since i was small. what do they all have in common? they live abroad, far away from me. sigh. the best friend knows everything there is to know. the ‘fretty’ one knows most everything no-one else should know. the ‘ice-cream’ friend, well, lets just say its only for her that i’d stay up at all times of the night just to talk.
jf: they probably don’t call themselves this anymore, but i grew up with most of these boys. love them. managed to get out even a bit thanks to them and their wily ways. its not easy being constantly watched by an entire host of ‘older brothers’ – but really, without them, i’m nothing.
then there are lots of others i’m close to. i’m grateful for each one of them. if not, i’d literally be in pieces.
untitled March 15, 2009
something i wrote eons ago…
when i see you
all i want to do is kiss you
remember the old times
fairytale times
everythings different now
i’m with someone else
deep down…i still love you
and i still feel the pain
i’m sorry if i hurt you
it hurt me more to let you go
the choice wasnt mine
it never was
they controlled me
there was no escape
i love you…i love you so!
why, why, did i have to let you go?
i love him, i do…there is no future for me and you
then why cant i let you go?
why is it that i still love you so?
messed up, thats what i am
i’m dragging you down with me
i shouldn’t, i mustn’t, i won’t.
i love you…but, its time for me to go!
yay! March 6, 2009
march it is already, and the gypsy girl points out that i haven’t blogged as yet for the year. so here i am, surrounded by work, but quite happy to be tap-tapping away at the keyboard with a few random thoughts.
the year has been good – fingers and toes crossed, it will be a super year. theatre life seems good and busy! [loud cheer] made lots of new friends, some even of kindred spirit.
my camera and i are running wild, especially with a few newbies, including the cutest flexi tripod! giggle!
career seems to still be a little jigsaw puzzle. but, parts of it are actually proving to be quite successful, while another involves an absolute bitch. but sigh, minus that, and its awesome fun.
i’ve cooked many new things this year. interestingly, most of them, random recipes that looked interesting. one of them, meatloaf!!!!!
i’ve enjoyed every part of this year, and yes, its going to be awesome.
and this weekend, it will be awesome! [happy sigh]
not again December 15, 2008
She’s had this shit all her life. She thought she left it behind. Once free from her clutches, life seemed rosy; had new meaning. She wasn’t a tad bit sorry to leave her old life behind. Still isn’t.
at a loss August 28, 2008
I was at a funeral today…didn’t know him all that well…so I was one of those who stood expressionless, almost wooden. His family was besides themselves in grief. I look at them, and I know I don’t know how they feel; I haven’t lost a father.
As always, the mind begins to wander. I remember how I felt when I lost someone very close to me. Its not a place I like visiting or acknowledging…but this always runs through my mind at funerals. I don’t like going back there. Makes me feel very sad. I’m good at ignoring things like that. Unhealthy I guess, but easier.
Funerals sometimes make me want to cry. But an idiot I would look like if I cried for someone I barely knew, so I stop myself.
No-one else really knows what you’re going through at moments like that. They make you think they know. Those reassuring pats, kisses, holding of hands – they think that’ll make the pain go away. It doesn’t.
They pretend to cry, force unwilling tears to roll down their cheeks, speak mournfully. That irks me!
I hate being on the other side…what do you say to the grieving wife, husband, daughter, son? Deepest sympathies?
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