Enveloped in desolateness

Nothing helps pick me up

Not feel-good songs, cigarettes, pretty thoughts

Nothing.

What is it that cramps my insides?

Makes me want to hide

Run away, far away

That island sounds nice right about now

If only wishes could come true

At a snap of my fingers, or a pitter-patter of my heartbeat

Hope is never a pretty thing

Disappointment comes hand-in-hand

It always does

Under the sheets, crawl, sleep.

Anything to not feel this misery

Reality always kicks in, and it’s never good

I have to keep going, doing the things I do

Numbly, zombie-like, without feeling

Take me away, where I will never cry

And there’s always butterflies.

there is a need to write, to say something. but nothing really comes to mind. but needless to say, i feel the need to write something anyways. almost like the themissingsandwich did.

its poya right now. drinking is almost impossible unless a good friend has a bottle of spirits tucked away somewhere. too lazy to potter around and find one. have work to do, but i’ve been procrastinating for a while. watched tv. friends. vma awards. interesting, kinky shit, like pink, singing on a trapeze, exposes a boobie, but censor square is tucked in so swiftly, i missed the view. sigh. so much for a bit of excitement on a friday night.

this rain. love it and hate it. rain it must when i’m indoors and have no plans of stepping out. a good book, no work lying on my shoulders, and there is a need to aimlessly drift around. sounds almost luxurious. i’ll even dare to say i wish the sun would shine so i could do my laundry.

miss my red tail catfish. they died a fortnight ago. faulty switch stopped the filter. it was a horrible saturday morning. haven’t visited their grave since. its almost like losing a child. don’t know what that feels like, hope i never do.

perhaps the twin nieces aged 3 will come to visit tomorrow. that should be fun. it ensues lots of splashing in the baby pool. colouring. a visit to mcdonald’s perhaps. lots of aimless chatting with 3 year olds can be therapeutic, and also make one wonder if having babies is still a good idea.

play in december. inhibitions still at high levels. some kind of awful person in my brain keeps telling me i’ll probably never be great. i’ll settle for good. determined to keep trying. perhaps someday.

work – love it. boss – hate that bitch. almost tempted to not renew my contract, but the fear that i’ll be a corporate loser is what is stopping me. maybe i’ll wait for the babies and then quit. i don’t really know right now. the brother says i should never ask him for opinions. he sucks at it.

luscious fruits at midnight
sleep
sound of rain
against the window panes
wakened by soft kisses
roused by a long, slow cigarette
and adrian henri
a luxurious, long, hot shower.
mornings must always begin this way.

i hate to eat by myself or sit by myself, anywhere. this is absolute nonsense, because there is nothing wrong with it. but it makes me all conscious and weird-feeling. likewise, i have a constant need to be surrounded by the people i love. awfully dependent i am on them. bunch of people that i must talk to every single day…if not, the day has the potential to be very crappy. probably rises from a deep-seated insecurity of being left alone.

insecurities are alright i suppose. everyone has them. mine probably stems from a loss i hope you never have to experience. my bunch is absolutely loveable.

m-town: this bunch is just awesome. the things we’ve been upto will keep you in stitches for weeks and you might also be absolutely shocked. if we could, we’d probably all share a big, big mansion. it’d work better that way.

extended family: they mean the world to me. they are the coolest beans in the whole wide world. you have to party with us to know exactly how to partay!

the old ones: this trio i’ve known since i was small. what do they all have in common? they live abroad, far away from me. sigh. the best friend knows everything there is to know. the ‘fretty’ one knows most everything no-one else should know. the ‘ice-cream’ friend, well, lets just say its only for her that i’d stay up at all times of the night just to talk.

jf: they probably don’t call themselves this anymore, but i grew up with most of these boys. love them. managed to get out even a bit thanks to them and their wily ways. its not easy being constantly watched by an entire host of ‘older brothers’ – but really, without them, i’m nothing.

then there are lots of others i’m close to. i’m grateful for each one of them. if not, i’d literally be in pieces.

something i wrote eons ago…

when i see you

all i want to do is kiss you

remember the old times

fairytale times

everythings different now

i’m with someone else

deep down…i still love you

and i still feel the pain

i’m sorry if i hurt you

it hurt me more to let you go

the choice wasnt mine

it never was

they controlled me

there was no escape

i love you…i love you so!

why, why, did i have to let you go?

i love him, i do…there is no future for me and you

then why cant i let you go?

why is it that i still love you so?

messed up, thats what i am

i’m dragging you down with me

i shouldn’t, i mustn’t, i won’t.

i love you…but, its time for me to go!

march it is already, and the gypsy girl points out that i haven’t blogged as yet for the year. so here i am, surrounded by work, but quite happy to be tap-tapping away at the keyboard with a few random thoughts.

the year has been good – fingers and toes crossed, it will be a super year. theatre life seems good and busy! [loud cheer] made lots of new friends, some even of kindred spirit.

my camera and i are running wild, especially with a few newbies, including the cutest flexi tripod! giggle!

career seems to still be a little jigsaw puzzle. but, parts of it are actually proving to be quite successful, while another involves an absolute bitch. but sigh, minus that, and its awesome fun.

i’ve cooked many new things this year. interestingly, most of them, random recipes that looked interesting. one of them, meatloaf!!!!!

i’ve enjoyed every part of this year, and yes, its going to be awesome.

and this weekend, it will be awesome! [happy sigh]

She’s had this shit all her life. She thought she left it behind. Once free from her clutches, life seemed rosy; had new meaning. She wasn’t a tad bit sorry to leave her old life behind. Still isn’t.

I was at a funeral today…didn’t know him all that well…so I was one of those who stood expressionless, almost wooden. His family was besides themselves in grief. I look at them, and I know I don’t know how they feel; I haven’t lost a father.

As always, the mind begins to wander. I remember how I felt when I lost someone very close to me. Its not a place I like visiting or acknowledging…but this always runs through my mind at funerals. I don’t like going back there. Makes me feel very sad. I’m good at ignoring things like that. Unhealthy I guess, but easier.

Funerals sometimes make me want to cry. But an idiot I would look like if I cried for someone I barely knew, so I stop myself.

No-one else really knows what you’re going through at moments like that. They make you think they know. Those reassuring pats, kisses, holding of hands – they think that’ll make the pain go away. It doesn’t.

They pretend to cry, force unwilling tears to roll down their cheeks, speak mournfully. That irks me!

I hate being on the other side…what do you say to the grieving wife, husband, daughter, son? Deepest sympathies?

Someone, next time, remind me to never go way out and help a friend…because invariably you get bitten, burnt and all of that shit! You do! Trust me!

I helped a friend recently, to such lengths, that I don’t think I’ve ever done before…and what happens? She turns around and accuses me of not doing enough! WTF!

And now it turns out that she’s keeping her distance…sucks doesn’t it? Aren’t the good guys supposed to triumph at the end? Doesn’t the good guy pull through?

Its not like she’s some new acquaintance…I’ve known her for years on end, and we are pretty close…but I think its quite petty to think that this friendship got ruined over such a sordid thing as a boy! Really! How boring! But that’s how it is…for her atleast…

She makes small talk with me, at which I’m enraged…but not in the mood to confront, so I turn monosyllabic. She sends me emails telling me what she thought I should have done…again, not feeling confrontational, so I don’t reply…

Honestly, I’m upset, a wee bit hurt too…but as the man keeps saying…I never learn!

Its true, its happened before.

It’s a bit late in the week for this…but post it I will anyways…

The weekend was spent going for drama that I’d rather not comment on…sigh!

So, after an awesome dinner at Sizzle, the gang wants to head over to R&B, which I’m not particularly thrilled about, but the fact that they have an awesome DJ kind of makes it sound better…but man! Wildfire was playing that night…and honestly, in my opinion, they sucked…maybe not their playing or singing, that I’m sure was fine and on par and all of that…but their choice of music just bummed out the party mood…when the DJ spun his music, it was all fine and great…and then Wildfire comes on and everything just zooms down to grossly slow and soppy music, which in my opinion isnt really worth dancing to…

And then, what really irks me is that R&B is so small and there are always way too many people…and on that particular night, there were heaps of weirdos, and dancing was just out of the question, unless, bumping into people would qualify as ‘dancing’. There was an y-indian doing the chicken dance, there was an annoying fat lady with unkempt curly annoying hair that kept brushing on my arm, and it felt gross, there were two guys who insisted on shoving us to get to some place on the dance floor, and then stood stockstill and attempted to have a heart-to-heart!

Why, why, why! Bah!